What To Do

      I am a blob as of late. Just a big, fat blob of nothing. I feel nothing. I want to do nothing that is about it. I am tired. I am angry. I am not where I thought I would be at my age. I am dependent on someone else. I am losing my identity.
      Identity is the key. Who am I? What have I done? No one and nothing answers these two questions somewhat perfectly. Faceless to even my friends, I am nothing more than an offhand mention and an afterthought to even my friends. I would be considered a stand in if life were a movie. That is how I feel all the time. Dejected and hopeless only start to tell my daily story.
     I don't want to sound like I need your pity, I don't. This mess is my life and I have brought myself to this point with poor decisions, personality issues, and thing I should have gotten help for years ago. I followed and sought things, numbing my brain to escape what the world thought of me. Most of my friends were just acquaintances, drinking buddies and such. Twenty years of wandering and numbing my emotions. Lost in my life, homeless at times, functioning at times, but a mess all the time.
     So now I am at the crossroads of my life. There is more at risk than just myself and I am scared. Love has come to me finally and all the things that I need to support my inability to grow-up. Now I have to figure out what I am going to do. I hope that I don't run.

Running Away

      Some days getting out of bed is the most I do lately. Truly anticipating something great or even mediocre happening is a fantasy for me. I do what I am supposed to most of the time, take the kids to school, clean up the house, and take care of some errands. But when it comes down to it I let the pressure press my body deeper and deeper into the couch, crushing the will from my body.
     I really try. I do. Some people would call it laziness. I wish it were that simple. Explaining to someone how life has turned on you in small, incremental steps to where suddenly you get up the life you once valued is only a shell of what it once was.
      Fortunately; I still have a great relationship. That is what holds me together these days, yet stresses me out. Running away has been how I have dealt with stress and despair in my life. This method has always seemed to work before I had a family. Now I feel doubly guilty about wanting to run away. I know I won't but sometimes the dream of another exotic job or vacation is the only thing that keeps me going.