What To Do

      I am a blob as of late. Just a big, fat blob of nothing. I feel nothing. I want to do nothing that is about it. I am tired. I am angry. I am not where I thought I would be at my age. I am dependent on someone else. I am losing my identity.
      Identity is the key. Who am I? What have I done? No one and nothing answers these two questions somewhat perfectly. Faceless to even my friends, I am nothing more than an offhand mention and an afterthought to even my friends. I would be considered a stand in if life were a movie. That is how I feel all the time. Dejected and hopeless only start to tell my daily story.
     I don't want to sound like I need your pity, I don't. This mess is my life and I have brought myself to this point with poor decisions, personality issues, and thing I should have gotten help for years ago. I followed and sought things, numbing my brain to escape what the world thought of me. Most of my friends were just acquaintances, drinking buddies and such. Twenty years of wandering and numbing my emotions. Lost in my life, homeless at times, functioning at times, but a mess all the time.
     So now I am at the crossroads of my life. There is more at risk than just myself and I am scared. Love has come to me finally and all the things that I need to support my inability to grow-up. Now I have to figure out what I am going to do. I hope that I don't run.

Running Away

      Some days getting out of bed is the most I do lately. Truly anticipating something great or even mediocre happening is a fantasy for me. I do what I am supposed to most of the time, take the kids to school, clean up the house, and take care of some errands. But when it comes down to it I let the pressure press my body deeper and deeper into the couch, crushing the will from my body.
     I really try. I do. Some people would call it laziness. I wish it were that simple. Explaining to someone how life has turned on you in small, incremental steps to where suddenly you get up the life you once valued is only a shell of what it once was.
      Fortunately; I still have a great relationship. That is what holds me together these days, yet stresses me out. Running away has been how I have dealt with stress and despair in my life. This method has always seemed to work before I had a family. Now I feel doubly guilty about wanting to run away. I know I won't but sometimes the dream of another exotic job or vacation is the only thing that keeps me going.

Today Will Be Different

     I would like to think that today will be different than the last few. But it won't be. The loop of my life travels in a tiny circular cycle. A cycle that starts with tedium and ends with boring. Wishing for change is about all I can do at this point. The inability of my psyche to get past the depression lately has be tough.
      Today will be different though. I say that to myself everyday. That is my prayer.

Scrubbing the Floor

     Yesterday I scrubbed my kitchen floor. Big deal huh? It was though. It truly was a gigantic step for the day. Sometimes just being able to do a simple task like that makes me feel like I have reached the top of Mount Everest.
     Focus is something that is difficult for myself. I can't just set off to do something. Accomplishment of a goal, no matter how simple, is paramount to me winning the lottery some days. Being able to do the dishes or vacuum or even take a shower can be daunting for myself. Couple these things with appearing to have your act together and being able to function at a minimal level in society and the stress becomes almost overwhelming.
     These stresses and anxieties ebb and flow. I was actually in a great two year period where I didn't have the anxiety and depression monsters making their daily appearance. I had managed my gambling problem(this is a common symptom of depression) and had fallen in-love(still am very in love). But since losing my job and the life that I really liked the anxiety and depression has returned. So being able to just accomplish something simple other than the expected duties that I have to do was a big deal. I just hope that I can get more done today because I have to try.
     This is going to be short. I am scattered today. But I am trying to hang on.
    

Beginning

      Today I came to one conclusion. Simply put; I am a man crippled by what has been years of depression and angst. I wish that I could say that my life has mirrored Willy Loman, but it really hasn't. I have managed to hide my inner-self since I was a child with a smile and a jovial laugh that tends to exhibit itself when the situation is more serious than funny.
      Hiding out in the open is what I have done since I was a kid. I wore nervousness like an uncomfortable pair of underwear, feeling like I never measured up to anyone. But onward through life I went. Racing away from responsibility if the unhappiness inside my body grew to a point that made me think of my own death. That is my coping mechanism, escape. I have quit jobs, left towns, drank, smoked, turned into a hermit, gambled, and slept around just trying to quell the voice inside my head. The same voice that said; "Sean keep smiling or they won't like you. Be the strong one, stay even-keeled." That is what I do, have done, and fight to the point of my own sanity almost every day.
     This is what I will be writing about...