What To Do

      I am a blob as of late. Just a big, fat blob of nothing. I feel nothing. I want to do nothing that is about it. I am tired. I am angry. I am not where I thought I would be at my age. I am dependent on someone else. I am losing my identity.
      Identity is the key. Who am I? What have I done? No one and nothing answers these two questions somewhat perfectly. Faceless to even my friends, I am nothing more than an offhand mention and an afterthought to even my friends. I would be considered a stand in if life were a movie. That is how I feel all the time. Dejected and hopeless only start to tell my daily story.
     I don't want to sound like I need your pity, I don't. This mess is my life and I have brought myself to this point with poor decisions, personality issues, and thing I should have gotten help for years ago. I followed and sought things, numbing my brain to escape what the world thought of me. Most of my friends were just acquaintances, drinking buddies and such. Twenty years of wandering and numbing my emotions. Lost in my life, homeless at times, functioning at times, but a mess all the time.
     So now I am at the crossroads of my life. There is more at risk than just myself and I am scared. Love has come to me finally and all the things that I need to support my inability to grow-up. Now I have to figure out what I am going to do. I hope that I don't run.

Today Will Be Different

     I would like to think that today will be different than the last few. But it won't be. The loop of my life travels in a tiny circular cycle. A cycle that starts with tedium and ends with boring. Wishing for change is about all I can do at this point. The inability of my psyche to get past the depression lately has be tough.
      Today will be different though. I say that to myself everyday. That is my prayer.

Beginning

      Today I came to one conclusion. Simply put; I am a man crippled by what has been years of depression and angst. I wish that I could say that my life has mirrored Willy Loman, but it really hasn't. I have managed to hide my inner-self since I was a child with a smile and a jovial laugh that tends to exhibit itself when the situation is more serious than funny.
      Hiding out in the open is what I have done since I was a kid. I wore nervousness like an uncomfortable pair of underwear, feeling like I never measured up to anyone. But onward through life I went. Racing away from responsibility if the unhappiness inside my body grew to a point that made me think of my own death. That is my coping mechanism, escape. I have quit jobs, left towns, drank, smoked, turned into a hermit, gambled, and slept around just trying to quell the voice inside my head. The same voice that said; "Sean keep smiling or they won't like you. Be the strong one, stay even-keeled." That is what I do, have done, and fight to the point of my own sanity almost every day.
     This is what I will be writing about...