What To Do

      I am a blob as of late. Just a big, fat blob of nothing. I feel nothing. I want to do nothing that is about it. I am tired. I am angry. I am not where I thought I would be at my age. I am dependent on someone else. I am losing my identity.
      Identity is the key. Who am I? What have I done? No one and nothing answers these two questions somewhat perfectly. Faceless to even my friends, I am nothing more than an offhand mention and an afterthought to even my friends. I would be considered a stand in if life were a movie. That is how I feel all the time. Dejected and hopeless only start to tell my daily story.
     I don't want to sound like I need your pity, I don't. This mess is my life and I have brought myself to this point with poor decisions, personality issues, and thing I should have gotten help for years ago. I followed and sought things, numbing my brain to escape what the world thought of me. Most of my friends were just acquaintances, drinking buddies and such. Twenty years of wandering and numbing my emotions. Lost in my life, homeless at times, functioning at times, but a mess all the time.
     So now I am at the crossroads of my life. There is more at risk than just myself and I am scared. Love has come to me finally and all the things that I need to support my inability to grow-up. Now I have to figure out what I am going to do. I hope that I don't run.

Scrubbing the Floor

     Yesterday I scrubbed my kitchen floor. Big deal huh? It was though. It truly was a gigantic step for the day. Sometimes just being able to do a simple task like that makes me feel like I have reached the top of Mount Everest.
     Focus is something that is difficult for myself. I can't just set off to do something. Accomplishment of a goal, no matter how simple, is paramount to me winning the lottery some days. Being able to do the dishes or vacuum or even take a shower can be daunting for myself. Couple these things with appearing to have your act together and being able to function at a minimal level in society and the stress becomes almost overwhelming.
     These stresses and anxieties ebb and flow. I was actually in a great two year period where I didn't have the anxiety and depression monsters making their daily appearance. I had managed my gambling problem(this is a common symptom of depression) and had fallen in-love(still am very in love). But since losing my job and the life that I really liked the anxiety and depression has returned. So being able to just accomplish something simple other than the expected duties that I have to do was a big deal. I just hope that I can get more done today because I have to try.
     This is going to be short. I am scattered today. But I am trying to hang on.