Thursday, November 21, 2013

What To Do

      I am a blob as of late. Just a big, fat blob of nothing. I feel nothing. I want to do nothing that is about it. I am tired. I am angry. I am not where I thought I would be at my age. I am dependent on someone else. I am losing my identity.
      Identity is the key. Who am I? What have I done? No one and nothing answers these two questions somewhat perfectly. Faceless to even my friends, I am nothing more than an offhand mention and an afterthought to even my friends. I would be considered a stand in if life were a movie. That is how I feel all the time. Dejected and hopeless only start to tell my daily story.
     I don't want to sound like I need your pity, I don't. This mess is my life and I have brought myself to this point with poor decisions, personality issues, and thing I should have gotten help for years ago. I followed and sought things, numbing my brain to escape what the world thought of me. Most of my friends were just acquaintances, drinking buddies and such. Twenty years of wandering and numbing my emotions. Lost in my life, homeless at times, functioning at times, but a mess all the time.
     So now I am at the crossroads of my life. There is more at risk than just myself and I am scared. Love has come to me finally and all the things that I need to support my inability to grow-up. Now I have to figure out what I am going to do. I hope that I don't run.

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